Sometimes, sadness can be where we are.
Often we’re told to be cheery and positive, beaming and happy. I know I pride myself when I am happy and excited. It’s wonderful and I work to be happy at all times. To be at peace. I stretch this further to become, ‘to live in a world full of peace and joy’. It’s a rapture for me, a flowing of bubbles and pearls of excitement. Simply at the world, its beauty, its wisdom, its seamless orchestration.
The trees that musically sway as though a dance,the wind that blows as though a song. How seeds are planted and rain falls and fruit is borne and we eat… God’s brilliant earth. How we live learning ,growing, letting go of limitations and touching that core of stillness.
I love it. It makes me come alive.
Sometimes, oftentimes actually, it isn’t here. My folly, my silliness to think it will always be. My stubbornness even and thats the truth.
Sometimes we’re just sad. Sometimes, the home of the heart is empty, sometimes tears roll down our eyes, sometimes we withdraw into ourselves on a dinner table full of people, quietening even more.
Am learning that its okay. It’s okay, its good even to simply, ‘be where you are.’ I have delved into questioning before, understanding, learning, questioning.
Have I ever just been ‘there’, ‘where I am’, happy , sad.
So I did this time, was just there. .sad..and I let myself for a small while, a weekend. Then I just went about my week. I went to my arabic class to learn, to my creative writing class to teach, to my friends house to chat.
As I chased her little son, who chased a little cat, I laughed, I got out of breath, worried for the boy and the cat with two different coloured eyes as both of them got stuck behind a sofa. Chaser and the chased, crouching on their knees, stuck together, in perfect harmony, looking big eyed at each other, until I moved the sofa and created space to be free.
The little boy runs out onto the terrace, under a beautiful sky and calls the moon , ‘ a ball’, and babbles around, no one knows what he’s saying, but we love it and he loves it too.
In my arabic class, I learn to pronounce words from the Quran correctly, not necessarily knowing what each one means, yet knowing that the words are God’s words, His Guidance for us, and I let their power, their refuge descend upon me.
I read a book of writing on how words are a form of guidance and a way we label what we know, what we understand, ‘ball’, says the little boy as he looks at the moon, and he’s right, its his truth.
Sadness, Peace, Words are mine. In my creative writing class the kids write ‘ on their amazing dreams’, in superlative, for fun, to let their hearts, soar and mine does too.
I come home and read, the first verses of the Quran to descend,
‘ Read, in the name of thy Lord,
Who created man, out of a mere clot of blood:
Proclaim, and thy Lord is Most Bountiful,
He Who taught the use of the Pen,
Taught man that which he knew not.’ – (The Quran ,Surah 96 1:4)
I am humbled, there is much I do not know,much beyond me, much I need to practice from what I do know, the simple way of surrender and trust, to follow His Words, to see sadness in the eye, accept it, surrender and walk on.
I read on and another part of the Quran guides me,
‘By the Glorious Morning Light,
And by the Night when it is still,
The Guardian-Lord has not forsaken thee, nor is He displeased,
And verily the Hereafter will be better for you than the present.
And soon will thy Guardian-Lord will give thee(that with which) you shall be well pleased.
Did He not find thee an orphan and give thee shelter,
And He found thee wandering , and He gave thee guidance.
And He found thee in need, and made thee independent.
Therefore treat not the orphan with harshness;
Nor repulse the petitioner( unheard);
But the Bounty of thy Lord,
rehearse and proclaim !
– The Quran (Surah 93)
So, I see my sadness, I say my prayers, I remember to Trust, to be kind and good, and His Greatness and Grace, to ‘rehearse and proclaim.’